I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i will never coherently bang her
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
