He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
