Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
