well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
