Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
