Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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