dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
