I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
