this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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