I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
