I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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