best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
