just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
