There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
