HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
