i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
