I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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