Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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