I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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