You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
