i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My hand turned me down
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
