I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
