Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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