he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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