I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize