Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
