he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We left the knife in your bed.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
