I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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