I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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