i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
