No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
