You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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