Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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