My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
