Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize