I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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