I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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