I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
