I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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