maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
