I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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