dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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