i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
