i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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