Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
