my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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