I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
