If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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