about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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