Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
