We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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