Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
