You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
